We’re letting you in on the ultimate secret to longer-lasting sex sessions.
If you’re interested in having longer erections during intercourse, this 4-week challenge is for you. We won’t just train you in climax control; this “challenge” is also about interrogating our understanding of what sex even is, so that you can have more pleasure and less pressure to perform. Spoiler: It isn’t all about intercourse. Lasting longer isn’t about doing the old stick’n’poke for 60 straight minutes, but how to draw out sexy sessions so that everyone can have maximum enjoyment.
Over the course of this 4-week challenge, you’ll learn:
- How to control your orgasms so you can last longer in bed (with vaginal and anal intercourse, and all the other good stuff that happens in bed).
- How to practice mindfulness and being more aware of your body and what you’re feeling.
- How to centre your partner’s pleasure in order to refocus sex, so everyone feels great (and by extension, has LOTS of orgasms).
Each exercise is designed to help you “build up” your sexual toolkit and can be (and should be) practiced in an ongoing way. For instance, in week 1, we’ll go through some breathing exercises. These are designed to help you attain greater control of your ~excitement levels~. “We need to decrease sympathetic nervous system arousal and increase parasympathetic nervous system arousal, or [the] ‘rest and digest,'” explains Kenneth Play, a world-renowned sex hacker and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro course. “Basically, we need to remain calm while feeling very intense sensations.” Feel free to reuse and recycle the breathing exercises—or any other exercises you find helpful—as often as you want while you move through the month.
Before we begin the journey to Longer Lasting Lover Town (yep, that’s what we’re calling it), it’s important to note that this is not a challenge challenge. Having sex, a game or setting unrealistic “goals” is kind of a boner-killer, which is the OPPOSITE of what we want. Instead, let’s think of this 4-week adventure as a month-long opportunity to become an all-around better lover who is more aware of themselves, their partner, and their pleasure. That’s what good sex is about.
All right. Let’s do this.
Edging: Solo Practice
Controlling how long your erection lasts is not an easy task, but the art of edging can be a huge help. Edging is when you masturbate, receive oral, or have intercourse right up to “the point of no return”—i.e., when you’re about to orgasm—only to stop the stimulation entirely, return to baseline, and then begin again.
How to do it: For exercise 1, take intercourse off the table. Practice alone before bringing in a partner. Test different stroke speeds, intensity, and use lots of lube. “Instead of chasing each sensation to get closer and closer to orgasm, focus on deep slow breathing, relaxing the body deeply, and feeling each sensation and movement fully without pushing the feeling to grow or become something else,” Play says.
Does this sound hard? That’s because it is. It takes lots of practice and patience. So, hang in there and be willing to stick it out past the challenge end date.
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Breathing is the core of keeping the nervous system relaxed. This exercise should go together with edging. “When we consciously breath during sex, we can feel vastly more sensation while extending how long we last (plus air is good for you, so you don’t pass out),” explains Julieta Chiaramonte, a sex blogger and sex toy expert.
How to do it: Let’s keep it simple. “I recommend getting into the rhythm of breathing in for 3 seconds, and breathing out for 3 as well,” Chiaramonte says. “It’s not so slow that you lose your groove, but [it allows] enough air to really come into your body and relax your muscles.”
Now that you have your alone-time exercises all planned out, it’s time for the last activity of the week: refocusing on partnered play. Sex is not all about penises in vaginas or anuses. Drawing out sex means engaging in the plethora of sexual activities available to you. And there is a menu! Which brings us to queening, or monarch-ing.
How to do it: Queening is an oral sex position where your partner lies back against pillows, sits in a chair, or even squats over your face. (The main takeaway is that you’re treating your partner like royalty.) This can work on a vulva- or a penis-owning partner. As you focus on their pleasure, you’ll start to reframe your idea of “sex” as being entirely intercourse-based.
The next phase of edging is full-body awareness. You may have noticed that you were becoming more somatically aware of your body as you started the breathing exercises. Now, we’re going to zero in on that bodily awareness. Awareness of your body is key to control of your ejaculation.
How to do it: It’s straightforward: Start paying attention to what you’re feeling in your body while you’re deep breathing in and out. As you start to masturbate, bring your awareness to your penis and lean into the sensations you’re experiencing. When you feel close, stop what you’re doing. Breathe deeply and focus on how your body feels as you bring it back down to a state of non-arousal. The more you’re able to identify that feeling, the better you’ll be at finding it during sex.
Backward Oral Doggy Style
Yes, more oral sex for your partner! This can also be done with hand-sex or a toy, if your partner prefers to be stimulated in this way. This exercise is all about what Amanda Luterman, a psychotherapist and founder of the Centre for Erotic Empathy in Canada, calls “mindful focusing: the active attunement to signs and signals of partner arousal.”
How to do it: Your partner is on all fours while you go down on them from behind. If your partner has a vulva, focus on the clitoris. If your partner has a penis, this is an awesome opportunity to explore rimming (you can do it on a vulva-owning partner, too). This position can be a fun and exciting change-up to the positions you usually do, awakening your partner’s desire in a dynamic way.
The CAT Position
The coital alignment technique, or CAT position, is the ultimate sex position for people with a vulva to orgasm. Most clitoris owners need external stimulation in order to climax, and this is the perfect way to make that happen.
How to do it: In the CAT position, you get into the regular missionary position. Instead of moving in and out, you instead slide up and down your partner’s body with your penis on their clitoris, thereby giving them the clitoral stimulation, they need to orgasm.
Modification: If your partner has a penis, try intercourse or receiving oral sex in tandem with edging. When you start getting close to climax, tell them to stop. Then start all over again. Remember that this may take time for most people. If engaging with a partner is proving to be too much too soon, simply continue practicing on your own until you feel ready for partner play.
Use a Cock Ring
Cock-rings are designed to restrict blood flow to the penis, which can help your erection last longer. These delightful little devices can be real game changers if you’re concerned about how long you last before climax.
How to do it: Get a simple cock ring (like the stretchy options below) if you’re a beginner. Place the cock ring on a flaccid or semi-erect penis and roll it down to the base. It’s best to try using one alone first in order to see if you enjoy it; then you can give it a go with partner play.
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Sensual massage may sound a bit woo-woo, but it can be incredible for building erotic energy between you and your partner (not to mention getting used to taking intercourse off the table). For this exercise, focus entirely on pleasing your partner, using the massage as the bedrock of your experience—not just a warm-up to more.
How to do it: Get a high-grade massage oil. Start by massaging your partner’s shoulders and neck. Then, work your way down. Touch everywhere on their body before making any contact with the genitals. You can feel free to customize your routine with some toys, if that is preferable, but being able to keep your hands on your partner is part of what makes this so hot and sexy.
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Nipple play can be intensely erotic in so many ways. When you stimulate the nipples, it activates the same area of the brain that’s activated when a person receives clitoral stimulation. This is an opportunity to take genitals out of the equation and further broaden your understanding of pleasure. “Contrary to popular belief, and to what is depicted in porn, most women prefer a much broader array of activities than simply hard and long pounding with a penis,” Play says.
How to do it: Keep in mind that not everyone is down to have their nips played with, so be sure that this is something you discuss beforehand. Try sucking, licking, and even gently teasing the nipples. (It can also go hand-in-hand with sensual massage.) Don’t touch your partner’s genitals until they’re begging for it. “The skill of prolonging erotic enjoyment is mastered by focusing on sensations that escalate fulfilment while regulating arousal to its desired pace.” Luterman says.
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Edging (the Final Challenge): Fantasy
The final stage of edging will test that control you’ve built up over the month. While breathing, try incorporating a porn clip, or simply close your eyes and fantasize.
How to do it: This should be done alone, as it can be quite challenging for beginners. Remember to breath and stay in your bodily awareness, while allowing your mind more room to become erotically engaged. You’ll likely find that with time and patience, you will begin to have much better control over when you ejaculate because you’ve built up your mind/muscle memory.
Play Submissive: Allowing Your Partner to Control the Action
During this last week, the focus is going to be on allowing your partner take a more dominant role. If this is your current dynamic, simply swap and have them be the submissive. “In situations like these, taking a [cis-female or woman] out of the obligated, uninspired receiver role is key for both partners,” says Luterman.
How to do it: Make a sexual bucket list where each of you chooses a few things you’d like to try, with your partner taking charge. This can be as simple as doing The Cowgirl/Rider position, or it can be more intense with some spanking and a blindfold. Bringing new fantasies to life and letting your partner take the reins will help you avoid falling back into old straight-to-penetration habits.
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As you move forward from here, remember: the ultimate secret to lasting longer in bed isn’t finding ways to draw out intercourse; it’s finding ways to draw out the entire sexy encounter so that everyone can have the maximum amount of pleasure possible. Orgasms on orgasms on orgasms.